Mommy Wants a Timeout

In which I contemplate absurd moments in parenthood, occasionally attempt to refer to myself as a “triathlete” while keeping a straight face, and maybe post some random pictures of stuff I’m knitting

Archive for the month “April, 2012”

Unreasonable Demands

We are 2-for-2 in spilled glasses of milk in our past 2 meals. We’re also 2-for-2 in me scolding the kiddo for not paying attention, and 2-for-2 in him responding with, “You’re not my mommy anymore! Now leave this house!” Parenthood rocks.

My husband has been working 14- to 16-hour shifts for most of the past week and through the weekend…He’s in the middle of 10 days without a day off. I want him to come home. I also want my son to start behaving like the sweet 2-year-old he used to be, or the sweet 4-year-old everyone promised I’d get. (Everyone who told me 3 is the worst, and 4 gets so much better: Thanks for creating false hope.) This whiny, demanding, tantrum-y child is a stranger to me.

Since I have no reasonable expectations that either of the above wishes will come true anytime soon, I might as well dish out a list of other equally unlikely demands.

1. I’d like the Seattle Mariners to have a winning season. This year.
2. I’d like my podiatrist to clear me for running by the middle of May.
3. I’d like to get back on my bike soon, and have it magically fit me perfectly…Oh, and I’d like to discover at the same time that I LOVE cycling!
4. I’d like the other moms at preschool to want to ask me for fashion tips because I always look so chic. (Probably better stop wearing ratty sweats at drop-off time if I want this to happen.)
5. I’d like Starbucks to develop a no-calorie caramel macchiato that doesn’t taste like artificial sweetener.
6. While we’re on the subject of coffee, how about designing a blend that whitens teeth?
7. I’d like whatever wild creature that keeps digging up my sugar snap peas to cease before I don’t have any left.
8. I really, really want to go for a teensy, weensy jog.

Gotta go now…Time to drag the little monster out to the car while he complains about how won’t go to school because “school is boring, and I’m already smart enough.” Rest assured, when I pick him up in four hours, he’ll be full of stories about all the fun things he did that day, and how funny all his friends are.

And then we’ll do it all again tomorrow.


And So It Goes On…

Today marks my 34th day in this prison, and the judge has just decreed that I shall spend at least two more weeks contained in its dreary confines.

All hope seems lost, and it is with bitter nostalgia that I bear witness to the hordes of joggers and cyclists who pass by, oblivious to my envy. Oh, they take their freedom so lightly, just as I did before this terrible tragedy befell me…

Now that the days grow longer and the sun grows brighter (or, at least, the rain grows slightly warmer,) how I long to break free from my velcro-and-plastic shackles, don my sweat-stained Lycra, and run for miles down the endless road. (Or maybe just to the end of the block and back.) Instead, I sit inside with this cold, unforgiving keyboard as my only companion. At least it provides some distraction from my miserable reality…

But wait, the Small One…He demands my attention, and threatens to take away my silver friend, so that he might play his “Computer Game…” No! Whatever shall I do now??? Well, there’s always knitting needles and an endless supply of yarn to pass the time with, so all is not lost…

My imprisonment continues...

*I promise that one of these days I’ll stop complaining about my injury. Today’s just not that day.

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Minimalists, Meet a Maximalist

While I was in Maui last month, a friendly stranger asked me about the orthopedic boot on my foot, so I told him about the half-marathon training and associated stress fracture. He listened to my story, then patted me on the shoulder, smiled paternally, and advised, “When you’re healed up, go and get yourself some good minimalist shoes and start running in those. You’ll never get injured again.” He was obviously on the bandwagon:

My favorite part of this video, and the concept of minimalist shoes in general, is how much money you can spend on shoes to run “barefoot!”

Just as well that my well-meaning friend in Maui doesn’t know I have an appointment with my podiatrist next week to fit my brand-new custom orthotics.

By the way, before you minimalist runners get on my case, I think barefoot running is a great idea…for some people. I also think sturdy shoes and orthotics can be a good idea for overpronators with freakishly flat feet like me. Whatever keeps you running, right?

Really Annoying People

Unless it's me you're talking too, of course...

You know those people who are all, like, “Oh my gosh, when I can’t exercise, I feel so terrible” and “I’m so addicted to running” and “Being fit is just part of my lifestyle.” Yeah. Those people are SOOOOO obnoxious, flaunting their superior fitness and their healthy lifestyles. You know what, people? You complaining about how sacred your exercise is just makes us non-fit people want to beat you up…If we could build up the energy to get off the couch and do it. That’s really how I feel…People who talk incessantly about their exercise routines, and, conversely, complain when their exercise routines get disrupted, are colossally annoying. Except…

Since I’ve had this boot on my foot, and can’t run or bike, I’m just so depressed. I can’t sleep well, I feel my thighs turning to jello…All my muscles are just wasting away, I’m sure of it. Those running endorphins are addicting, you know? Once you get used to it, you can’t just quit cold turkey. It’s like I don’t even have a choice; I HAVE to exercise. Plus, I’m losing so much ground towards my summer goal of an Olympic triathlon (the distance, of course…I’m not London 2012 material.) And swimming laps with a pull buoy is getting really boring…

Oh crap…I’ve become the person I hate: The Fitness Freak. I’d just like to make a blanket apology to all of my friends who have had to listen to me complain about my injury and my lack of ability to train.

To take the heat off myself, here’s a list of other people who really annoy me. Let’s point fingers at them instead:

1. Women who brag about their newborns sleeping through night at, like, one week old. It wasn’t anything you did, trust me. Next time around, you’ll probably have a REAL baby.

2. Ditto for mothers who had no trouble with breastfeeding.

3. People who read Dostoevsky, Faulkner, and the Brontë sisters without being enrolled in a literature course. Yay for you, smarty-pants. Now let me get back to my cheap paperback mystery.

4. People who wear their Bluetooth earpieces all the time, even when they’re not talking on them. It doesn’t make you look busy or important, people.

5. People who misuse apostrophes. (Or should I say, “apostrophe’s?”)

Okay, that’s enough really annoying people to get me off the hook for right now, isn’t it? And I promise, I will be a much nicer and more interesting person when I can FINALLY go for a RUN already!

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Erroneous Lessons My Son is Learning From Preschool Television

My broken foot and subsequent activity restriction has given me the opportunity actually sit down with the kiddo while he gets his daily 30-minute ration of TV. I’m doing my best to find age-appropriate shows for him to watch, and Nick, Jr. (“The Smart Place to Play”…and/or turn into a couch potato) is where we find his favorites. While I appreciate the interactive nature of most of the programming, and like the fact that my son is learning a few words in foreign languages, I do wonder about some of the unintended lessons these shows might be teaching. For example:

1. To stop a thief, it is sufficient to simply yell, “Swiper, no swiping!” (Dora the Explorer) Should work equally well when the school bully tries to grab your lunch money…He’ll just say, “Awww, man!” and walk away.

2. Baby jaguars make great pets. (Go Diego, Go!) Yeah, kid. Play your cards right, and you might (MIGHT!) get a goldfish. But don’t push your luck.

3. Marshmallow casseroles are part of a balanced diet. (Wow Wow Wubbzy) “Mom? Can I have some more marshmallow casserole?” “Not until you finish your doodleberry pie!” At least on Wonder Pets, they snack on celery.

4. It’s perfectly okay for a preschooler to wander off accompanied only by a monkey and/or baby jaguar, as long as they have a map or rescue pack with them. (Dora/Diego) Actually, that’s a pretty frequent theme in a lot of preschool shows…Seriously, Where are the parents???

5. Being a spy is an age-appropriate activity for a four-year-old. (Dora the Explorer: Super Spies 2) Okay, I admit, I may have a secret fantasy about being a lady James Bond (and being James Bond’s lady, but that’s another story); however, I’m not sure I want my son to pursue a hobby that involves using gadgets to invade others’ privacy. To be fair, though, this episode demonstrated a lot of necessary spy gear (dark glasses, cameras, bouncy balls that turn into boats or getaway bicycles), but it didn’t really explain what they should be used for. (Or what a spy is, for that matter.)

Still, these TV shows beat the heck out of most G-rated movies in terms of appropriateness for a preschooler. I’m still trying to minimize the effects of Horton Hears a Who and its use of the words “idiot” and “boob,” as well as the old lady v. lion fistfight in Madagascar 2. I’m telling you, these visual media are a minefield when it comes to parenting. It’s almost enough to drive a mother to take her kid outside to play or something…

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